Parenting #1: First days of school
This column will usually come on Tuesday, but I am avoiding the one I'm supposed to write for Friday, which will return next week.
I need, says O, more rhythm in the day.
Good for her,” says Rick, in my Rhythm and Motion dance class, a veteran school teacher, and a dancer, in SF, for the past 35 years. She’s saying that that’s what she needs in order for her behavior to meet their expectations. You should tell the teacher.
When? I ask.
Oh, right away, he says.
At home I write a letter.
Dear Ms. T,
I want to tell you some things Olive brought up with me this week. I hesitate to send this - in fact I wasn’t going to send this at all! Except for I was in conversation with another veteran teacher who said that actually I should tell you right away. And that these are things she’s saying she needs in order to be able to adhere to the behavioral guidelines.
She says that she needs more movement in the rhythm of the day
She says she might need to get up to get water during the lesson on the rug
She wants to bring a stuffed kitty for comfort
She is also feeling a little bored
She enjoyed the song and dance part of the day and liked meeting the other kids during the exercise about hobbies - the one that they all brought home on a worksheet after the second day
I’d love to see if you’re open to discussion around these items and / or if there is a process around integrating some of these additional needs.
I heard that another school - it’s a middle school - but they have a “go crazy” break before they sit to do a meditation. Maybe that would work? They also do field trips to connect them more to the real world, but I’m sure those are coming later on in the year.
Also, and this is kind of delicate and reflects some changes we probably need to make at home - but curious about your thoughts here:
Olive wanted to be assured that her darker skin didn’t make her bad. She said she noticed that a girl with very dark skin wasn’t able to follow the rules of sitting up on the rug and was thinking that might make her a bad kid. And then wanted to know if it was her darker skin that made her bad.
I heard that there are some phrases used for when you follow the rules and when you do not. What are they? Is one called Pax? I am noticing that Olive is noticing the effects of some kids not getting what they need and having a harder time paying attention or following the rules during the lesson and that she is beginning to see those kids as “bad.” I am 100% sure that this is a result of being in a very small and very white school last year, and also that many of the kids of diverse backgrounds couldn’t stay at the school because of their rigid guidelines, and so I am in no way placing blame! I also think that we, as a family, are fairly isolated and need to look at the people who we spend time with and visit on the day to day level. But I thought it was interesting that she noticed and was taking the time to question the connection and thought it would be worth being vocal about sooner rather than later.
Also, she wants to be a busy bee! We talked about how this is a rotating position and I asked her if she could see the days that someone else is helping as day on which she doesn’t need to worry about others, and she liked that.
She maybe feels confused about changing the location around her desk every day - although I can see why it’s good to meet other kids. I am gathering that now she is in a group with two other girls but I wanted to note that she is also really curious about the boys, especially the ones that make jokes that do not have to do with the bathroom. Is the current desk arrangement permanent? Or does it shift throughout the year?
I know that these kinds of things are, in part, institutional and do not or can not change overnight but wanted to let you know that I’m happy to partner with you in whatever way possible to bring these transformations about!
I do not send this letter. Instead I do a million other things.
I try to get Olive to the playground before school. but you can not play at the playground before school because of legal issues, nor can you play at the playground directly after school because the understaffed but amazing after-school program is using the playground.
You can go to the playground down the street but that playground is for smaller kids. You can drive to the playground in Golden Gate park, the one that is surrounded by green grass and still has the sand and you do! You drive there and you rush home for dinner, and your kid doesn’t eat it because you have fucked the entire food part of parenting up completely.
[At a play space, one afternoon, in LA, when Olive was three, she looked at me dead in the eyes, while holding a doll and said “Apologize to baby for not having the food that she likes.”]
Instead, I sign up to be the second class parent. I make a boundary: I will love to contribute during the hours of 2pm-6pm but I can not contribute before then, between 8am-2pm. During those hours I’m head down.
By the second Wednesday, I break my own rule.
I scheduled a meeting with Ms. T for 1:40 but I’m happy to meet with her on my own and convey the message to you, says the other class parent to me in an email.
I’ll be there, I write.